Raising Decision Makers
Parenting isn’t easy. We don’t get a manual. It’s the ultimate in “on-the-job-training.”
Here’s a little something for you to think about. One of our primary objectives is to raise children who become fully functioning and competent adults. Decision making is important in this objective. Therefore, we must think about allowing our children to make decisions for themselves. If we make all of their decisions, how will they know that they can trust themselves to make them when it’s crunch time?
Let you kids make decisions, and mistakes.
Dr. John
Parenting: Accountability
As I’ve said previously, parenting isn’t necessarily easy. We often don’t know what to do or say. Simply doing what our parents did isn’t the best course of action. However, it’s often the only option.
As a rule, we let our kids off the hook too easily and too often. We fail to hold them Accountable for their actions and/or behavior. Lack of accountability leads to:
- Irresponsibility
- Immaturity
- Legal trouble
- Academic trouble
- ETC, etc, etc
You need to hold your kids accountable for their actions. You don’t do them any favors if you let them off the hook. With letting them off the hook, you unknowingly teach them to expect that they will be off the hook for their lifetime. Listen closely… the rest of us out here in the world don’t love your child like you do. We WON’T let him/her off the hook. We won’t put up with the behavior that you put up with.
You want to raise a competent child capable of making it in the world. Letting him off the hook stunts his growth and development and makes him incompetent. Make your child Accountable.
Dr John
Bullying: Name Calling
Remember the old rhyme from childhood: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me?” Bunk!
Names do hurt. That inspirational rhyme is flat out wrong. Loving parents and dutiful school folk told us this in an attempt to help us cope with and ignore name calling from fellow students. It didn’t work. Did it?
So what does work?
- Lack of tolerance for Bullying and Name Calling of any kind on any level.
- Parent involvement.
- School involvement.
- Good Role Modeling.
Speaking of Role Modeling, consider some of the following: As parents and school personnel do you…
- Make fun of others, neighbors, etc in front of children?
- Use the “N” word or other racial or ethnic slurs in home or school?
- Derogatory words for women (the “B” word)?
- Use Hetero-sexist, Homophobic or derogatory words for gay people such as the “F” word, “Homo,” etc? Do you tolerate sayings such as “that’s so gay?”
You probably haven’t thought of theses things as fueling Bullying and Name Calling. But they do.
Names can cause a life time of harm. They are just as bad or worse as physical Bullying. Be an agent for change in your home and school. Stop the violence.
Dr John
Bullying May Effect Girls More Than Boys?
When we think of Bullying don’t we usually tend to think of it happening at the hand of and to boys? Well I do. Of course, I admit that I’m skewed due to having been a boy, not a girl.
In a 2009 article in “Medscape Medical News,” author Janis Kelly indicated that Bullying may have much more severe long term effects for girls than boys. Don’t be mislead, Bullying has long term effects for boys as well. In fact, the frequency is more for boys than girls, as I would have predicted. Boys are more likely to suffer a wide range of psychiatric disorders as a result of Bullying. But girls are likely to suffer longer term problems.
Dr. Andre Sourander of Turku University in Finland states, “Bullying is not just part of growing up. When it is frequent, it should be considered interpersonal violence. Unfortunately, the negative effects of being frequently Bullied may not disappear with time.”
As I’ve said in previous posts, we must stop tolerating Bullying as a “normal” part of growing up.
Dr John
Cyber Bullying: Text Bullying
Parents, there are forms of Bullying that didn’t exist when you were in school. They are Cyber Bullying and Text Message Bullying. It is important for you to be aware that some Bullying takes place over the internet through chat, email and text messaging.
What you need to do:
- Become aware of technology: texting (text messaging), email, chat, IM.
- Does your child look upset or disturbed upon receiving a text messaging?
- Have you heard of “Sexting?” It’s happening. Kids are sending questionable pictures via text messaging. Your ignorance of this technology places your child at greater risk.
- Are you seeing mood changes while or after using the computer?
Pay attention. Ask questions. Get up to date on technology.
Dr John
Bullying: Adults Must Intervene
Bullying is Terrorism. Think about it. Our modern term for an “intentional and persistent series of acts directed toward a person designed to hurt or cause damage,” is Terrorism. Is it not?
We don’t put up with it on a societal level. Why are we accepting this on a child/teen level? Obviously, we should NOT be accepting it.
Parents and school personnel all too often accept Bullying as a normal part of growing up. Really? We also shouldn’t tell children to “put up with it, deal with it, or ignore it.” These strategies don’t work.
And parents, let’s wake up. The school can’t protect your child. If they could, the Bullying wouldn’t have occurred in the first place. I recommend the following:
- Parent to parent involvement.
- Parent to school involvement.
- Pursue, pursue and pursue the school (if this is where the Bullying occurs). A one time conversation probably won’t solve the problem.
- Give your child permission and tools to defend himself/herself. The world will push any of us around if we let it. Teach your child to stand up for himself. This isn’t a popular recommendation. But, get your head out of your you know what and recognize that we ALL need to stand up for ourselves. This is a life skill that your child will appreciate on many levels for many years. I haven’t been specific here. Read into it what you wish.
Most importantly, Bullying should not be normal, or part of childhood. It only exists because we all allow it to exist. And if you are a bystander and fail to intervene, you’re guilty.
Dr John
Good Parenting: Take Aways Don’t Work
Parents do the best they can with the resources that they have.
This being said, too many parents know that they need to apply consequences, but have no clue how to do it. When parents and children come to see me I regularly hear, “we’ve taken everything away… it still isn’t getting better… we don’t know what to do.”
Taking away all life’s pleasure doesn’t generally make people want to work harder. It makes them angry. You need to apply reasonable consequences. I prefer teaching children to earn things rather than taking away when they mess up.
Look for a more in-depth explanation and “how-to” application in my upcoming parenting program.
Dr John
Dr Oz Show reveals 5 Super Foods (to eat now)
I don’t always have time to watch the Dr Oz show. I’m usually in the office at that hour. But today, I went in late so I was on the EFX machine at the gym and watched the Dr Oz show.
Dr Oz revealed “5 Super Foods to Eat Right Now.” Here they are below with descriptions from the shows site and what I remember from watching.
1. IMO (Sweet Potato)
The women of Okinawa, Japan (who also happen to be the world’s longest living ladies) enjoy a purple sweet potato they call Imo every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Rich in beta-carotene and boasting 150% more antioxidants than blueberries, this easy-to-make treat can be simply incorporated into an American diet. And, if you can’t find Imo specifically, our orange sweet potatoes pack a similarly healthful wallop.
My commentary: I eat Yams regularly. Most of you haven’t eaten Sweet Potatoes. You’ve eaten Yams and were told that they were Sweet Potatoes. I highly recommend eating Yams (if you can’t find Imo) on a regular basis.
2. Turmeric Tea
You usually see the yellow spice turmeric in Indian curries, giving them their characteristic color. But those long-lived ladies of Okinawa slurp this spice in tea daily (and they have one-fifth the rate of breast cancer than their American counterparts). Studies have shown that turmeric is a powerful anti-inflammatory and antioxidant that can help fight cancer.
My Commentary: I’ve never had this tea but I plan to look for it now. I regularly cook with Turmeric.
3. Mangosteen
This sweet, tropical fruit originally from Indonesia has made its way onto supermarket shelves in the United States. Hidden inside a thick purple rind that you cut open, is a white, creamy flesh full of vitamins A and C as well as cancer-fighting antioxidants. If you can’t find the fruit, the juice of the mangosteen, which is more widely available, is the next best thing. This is also available in tea form.
4. Mustard Greens
In Icaria, Greece, 1 in 3 people lives to the age of 90, making the Greek island one of the areas designated as a “blue zone,” where people enjoy superior longevity. There are also no cases Alzheimer’s disease reported there despite many people living to a ripe old age. One of the nourishing foods they enjoy are mustard greens. High in vitamin K (most Americans are deficient in this nutrient), the spicy greens are good for your blood and bone strength. Try them as the Icarians do: boil and then toss with a little virgin olive oil and lemon.
5. Barramundi Fish
If the Barramundi fish were a human, he would be a tree-hugging, salad-loving vegetarian. The Barramundi, hailing from the coast of Australia, eschews his fellow fish, dining on plankton instead. That means he doesn’t load up on mercury-packed smaller fish and has extremely low levels of the toxin, which is especially important for pregnant women. Free of mercury, but full of heart- and brain-healthy omega-3s, the Barramundi, which is becoming more popular in the US, is a shoe-in for one of the top 5 superfoods. Bonus: the white meat is light, flaky and delicious.
So, these are excellent recommendations. If I didn’t comment, I haven’t tried it, but plan to.
Dr John
Health Care Reform Bill Passed
The Congress passed landmark health care reform legislation last night. Is this good or bad? Is this right or wrong? Is this the beginning of something else as many have feared? I don’t think any of us can truly answer these questions. I haven’t read the bill. Have you? So, before I comment on the bill itself, I will need to read it.
I do have some concerns. I have heard many of the discussions and arguments that have played out in the press over the past year, and especially over recent weeks. The possible impact on health care providers seems to have been noticeably missing from the discussion. (If I missed something, please educate me in the comment section.) My fears and concerns are across the board in terms of effect on providers. but in terms of Behavioral Health, here are a few:
- Lowered reimbursement rates. Providers already give the insurance companies a discounted fee. I fear that these rates could go lower.
- If the rates go lower, you could see many providers leaving the insurance panels and refusing to accept insurances. If this happens, access to providers could become difficult if you desire to use your insurance as payment. Try finding a child and adolescent psychiatrist (one who accepts insurances) now in my area. It’s difficult and sometimes the wait for an evaluation is extensive. This could get worse.
- Tighter regulations for providers increase provider office costs. This could further force more providers out of the insurance networks.
- As doctors make less and less money, our best and brightest will choose alternative fields of endeavor. Quality of care will suffer.
These are just some of my concerns. The general public sees doctors as all making loads of money. That just isn’t so any longer. Providers are already being severely pinched. I hope that this bill passage does not make the situation worse.
Dr. John
Positive Parenting
So what is “Positive Parenting?” Let’s just suggest this as a definition: “Encouraging the behavior you want by rewarding it when you see it… rather than only punishing or negatively commenting on problem behavior.” I know that this is a bit over simplistic. But it will suffice.
If this is where the Positive Parenting movement begun in the 80’s ended, I would be fine with it. However, the encouragement thing went a little too far. Johnny got a trophy just for showing up on the soccer field. When he missed the ball he heard, “nice try Johnny.” When he got a poor grade on a test he heard, “did you try Johnny?” If he answered “yes,” he heard “great” from his parent.
The problem here is that no one held little Johnny accountable. There were no consequences to poor performance. Our success in the world isn’t only contingent on effort. Although effort is certainly important. I’m all for positive parenting and encouraging our kids. And sometimes we need to push them a little. We need to expect a little more. The rest of the world doesn’t love your children. We aren’t giving your children a trophy for showing up. We expect performance. It would help them if you would teach them to have some performance expectations of themselves. They’ll thank you later in life.
So remember, reward, reward reward. Give encouragement. Positive praise is most useful when it corresponds to positive performance (and sometimes effort). And have some expectations, please.
Dr. John